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04/14/08

Lying back in a field of tall grass I gaze up at the intensity of the pure blue sky, I can hear the beautiful birdsong, and feel a gentle breeze gently caress my body as I lay there. Suddenly I notice millions of small whitish translucent particles jet across the sky. Staring even more intently at the mesmerizing show before me, I suddenly find myself in a mobile home in the mountains. I am surrounded by friends in this small abode; everyone is enjoying the sense of accomplishment and family. My phone begins vibrating and not wanting to interrupt the mood, I push the silence button. Immediately it begins to vibrate again, so I repeat the process. Once again my phone begins vibrating, this time I attempt to discreetly pull my phone out to see who is being so persistent. The caller ID screen is repeating “unavailable and out of area.” Lifting the screen just enough to hang up, I place the phone back into my pocket. Immediately the caller attempts again, this time I excuse myself and step outside into the fresh, crisp and welcoming night time air. Answering the phone I say “why do you keep bothering me” before the caller has any chance of saying a word. After a momentary silence my (dead) mom says hi Robert, I’ve been trying to get your attention and nothing else has worked. Stunned I say “momma, I really miss you” she says yes I know, but now I am not sick anymore. I tell her that I know and that I am happy for that. She says, you have my permission to stop and do whatever it takes to heal, you have a lot of work to complete and it’s time begin. Bobbie, I love you.” With that the line went dead leaving a dial tone in the silence of the night. Standing there alone I cried wanting to be held by my future love ever so tightly…

10/15/07

Last night I had a strange and vivid dream. I was camping in the Westy and a person was trying to break into the Vanagon. This person moved silently and extremely swiftly. He was holding a very large knife and was dressed all in black. We were attempting to stay still and remain calm when I remembered the driver’s side door was unlocked. When the moment seemed right, I jumped down from the bunk and reached for the door. Then I closed both slider windows and as I did this he ripped the drivers side door open, reaching and slashing with his knife. I woke up with a start and in the in between state of awake and sleep I changed the dream. Which now had two people, friends, standing outside the Westy by a fire talking with a great sense of peace and love. I immediately fell asleep…

02/16/08

Dream time; this was one of the most vivid and visually acute dreams I have had in during sleep for a long time. The clarity and sense of actually being present in the moment was utterly unnerving and as a result I lie awake in my hotel room at 2:00am for several hours with tears running down my cheeks, now for the dream.

The first part was active and clouded what I remember was there was a lot of activity, like a get together not really a party per say. The group was, family and the evening was lighthearted, filled with warmth. I remember basking in the sense of happiness and contentment that filled the room. After mingling for a while I noticed an outsider a person I did not know who was acting like he was part of our family, yet most definitely was not. I asked Matt if he knew him and he said no that no one knew him. He was playing mean spirited practical jokes and his antics were becoming more bold and intrusive, to the point of having the potential of causing some family member actual physical harm. As I write this I don’t recall any physical features of this individual other than he had medium length dark brown hair and was of average build.

I remember approaching this individual and asking him to tone his antics down and he told me he was just having fun “no harm no foul” as he put it. We chatted a bit longer and he said he would “go easy on the jokes” if I would “lighten up a bit and have some real fun.” It didn’t take long until he was attempting to coerce some of the children present to go with him to play chicken in his car. He knew of a perfect stretch of road to play on. Nobody wanted to go but his pressure continued to the point of name-calling and serious badgering. I reproached this stranger and told him that if he really wanted some excitement he should come with me to play this different kind of game.

The scene switched to a dark moonless night on a desolate mountain road. I told him to attempt to drive backwards without lights really fast. He laughed and laughed and laughed as he placed his car in reverse. At this point I either pushed on his leg that was on the gas pedal or wedged a stick down on the pedal. The car lurched backwards and his steering was erratic. The tires crunched slipping on the loose gravel on the side of the road. Before I realized what he was up to we were at a sharp bend, he wouldn’t turn the wheel to even attempt to stay on the road. As the car went over the edge all sound stopped. I remember the air no engine noise. Then his laughter returned and looking over the edge I realized I was going to die. The ground seemed so far below and we were quickly approaching the rocky bottom. For one quick instant I thought about jumping but realized why… Upon impact, my perspective changed, I saw felt the impact and resulting explosion from outside the vehicle. Almost as if my spirit had left my body and I was watching the ensuing aftermath of the crash.

With this realization I was suddenly and overwhelmingly filled with the deepest most compelling sadness I have ever felt and the thoughts of not being able to see my daughters wedding, my son and daughters future children. I must have lain there for two hours before the tears stopped and I could drift back off to sleep.